After I had gotten the beautiful blessings of Mahakaal, I made the crazy program to go from Kaal (Mahakaal) to OM (Omkareshwar). I am using the word crazy because we had to catch a train at 6 in the evening from Ujjain and the Omkareshwar temple was a 4 to 5 hrs run by car and we had to make it on time, no matter what. It was already 7 in the morning. I made Yogesh agree to this trip. I told him, that we would be leaving by 8. Maybe we would reach Omkareshwar around 12. One hr for the temple, then 1 hr for lunch and 4 to 5 hrs to come back. I knew i had made a tight program. But I was full of spiritual energy and wanted to feel more.

I remember that when we left, the driver stopped the car at one shop for breakfast. Yogesh asked for the price for one plate of Poha (special breakfast of that state). The shopkeeper replied: “4 rupees per plate.”

I could see Yogesh’s expressions.. he ordered. “chaar pack ker do.” (pack 4 plates for takeaway). I looked at him and we laughed like anything. Because it was so cheap.

Apart from laughing, we were really excited about Omkareshwar. Omkareshwar is situated on mountains. When the hilly area started, I recalled beautiful words…

We were spiritually recharged. This beautiful nature, the cool breeze and peaceful environment made us speechless.

After we reached there,  we went to the Mamleshwar temple which was established by Ravana on the bank of the Narmada river. On the other side of the river the Omkareshwar temple was situated.

We heard that the Temple would close by 13:20. Everything was so cheap. We hired a boat for Rs 10 and reached the other side. For one rupee we got lots of flowers and ‘bel’ leafs. We reached the temple by 13:10. God! The Temple is closed. One panda (guide) came. He said it closes at 13:00 and opens at 14:00. I was depressed, looked at Yogesh, he said, lets wait. We have made this trip. So lets take darshan.

I was worried because of the train. I sat down and started to wait. We were in the queue, after 15 mins. one devotee came and told me, enter from the back side gate. The temple is still open, my eyes sparkled. Ahhh… God sent a messenger. I ran to the back side gate with Yogesh. A few devotees, who got to the temple after us, were coming out from there. I was now fully sure. We approached the gatekeeper but he didn’t allow us in. I asked Yogesh if he (gatekeeper) would take a bribe. Indian style

Wow! He denied. I was desperate to get the darshan as soon as i could. I started to look for any corrupt pujari who could take us inside.

After two mins of seeking my eyes spotted one guy’s face. Search completed. He was sitting all alone. I became confident and told Yogesh to watch. I went to this guy who seemed to be a pujari. I asked him if he could take us in for darshan. He denied.

Kitna loge? (How much money do you want?) I asked.

Kitna doge? (How much would you give me?) He replied. (Genuinely it shows how corrupt he was)

Maharaj pahle aap to batao? (you say, how much do you want?) I asked again.

He asked me, how many people?

Two I said.

Rs. 300

Technically I started to bargain with him. I got him down to Rs. 100

He went to talk with the main priest and granted us the permission to take darshan for 2 mins. I became so happy. When you are in Bhaav (devotional mood) 2 mins are nothing. I thought, something is better than nothing. Yogesh complained, Guru, I didnt like this hurry darshan. - We were lucky enough to make it, I pointed to the queue and said, we were supposed to sit there and chant a waiting mantra. Don’t worry, we will make another trip soon. At the same time, pride arose in me. For only Rs 100 I got the darshan of the MAIN temple of Lord Shiv. How cheap this darshan was. I started to laugh and in such a blindness i made calls to a couple of my friends to show them how smart i was in bargaining. I became proud.
We safely reached the train on time, but on the way back I got a fever. I told a few people in the train about the height of corruption and how i dealed with it by telling my bargaining story.

On the next day at  3 in the early morning Yogesh said, Get ready, we are reaching Mathura. I went to the compartment gate with my luggage. Yogesh was at the gate. We approached the Mathura railway station but the train didnt stop. Yogesh said, I guess the train is stopping here. I don’t know what happened to me but I pulled him back and jumped from the running train and started to scream “YOGESH JUMP!!!” but he didn’t. The train stopped at the end of the platform.

After a minute i realized, i was injured. Half of my nail was broken down from the toe and I was bleeding.

Yogesh showed his anger to me. In my whole life I never took such a stupid decision. I was shocked and was thinking why did I do that? At 3:15 in the morning we couldn’t visit any doctor or were able to get first aid.

I told Yogesh, Get an autorikshaw and lets go to Vrindavan. In the meanwhile, I started to think, whatsoever Yogesh did on this trip I did too. Why didnt he get this punishment? What was my mistake?

The next moment I heard our Auto rickshaw driver, He was speaking to Yogesh, “Money blinds people. I’m asking genuine charges for Vrindavan.”

I got my answer. We went as Brijwasis to visit those temples. As a Brijwasi Vaishnavs we got everything. Yogesh wanted to wait for the darshan. But I was being in a hurry and committed that offense. After paying the bribe I got the fever in Omkareshwar and after this punishment when I was putting my first step into Brij, I got hurt. In Brij, Lord Radha & Krsn want Love & Devotion. They dont want money, pride, selfishness. Somehow I laughed at His great Vaishnav. “Such a cheap darshan” It was definite, by such steps He could become unhappy. I had got the punishment and asked Him to forgive me. I started to cry, it was such an instant reaction from the Lord’s side. It means???? Is He really taking care of me? Does he always watch every of my steps?

I guess, I know my answers.

Sometimes a moment of your life puts you in confusion. Sometimes a moment of your life never leaves you alone. Sometimes a moment of your life makes you feel, “You lost this opportunity.” Last year I went to meet a very old Vaishnav near Sudama Kuti. His hut was situated on the parikrama marg near Jagannath Ghat. A great Vaishnav who used to spend day and night chanting the Holy names and for food he used to do Madhukari. He used to wake up at 2:30 in the early morning. For most of us it is late night or it is time to sleep but I found amazing dedication in him.

He was a bengali scholar who had learnt all Gaudiya Scriptures. I had a doubt on a few Bengali texts.

I entered his small kutiya.

Baba! Jai Gaur!! I said.

He looked at me. Alas! Gaurango! He became so happy. He stood up from his aasan and gave me a full sastang. He said, “Gaurango! Aapni aamar Gaurarayaa”(Gauranga! You are my Gauranga!) I was shocked by this act. Many of our disciples from Bengal call me Gauranga and many norths Indian call me Krsna. But I never take them seriously, but why is this Vaishnava acting in this manner? Why did he that? I was mystified. He offered me the aasan. He started to stare at me with a sweet smile. Tears were rolling on his cheeks.

Gaurango! Where were you? He asked me.

Dada, I am Chandan Goswami from Sri Radharaman Temple, not Gauranga. I replied.

No. No. No. You don’t know who you are. Maybe, later you will realize. You are my Gaurango, everyones’ Gaurango. I’m blessed you are here, he said again.

Now I felt embarrassed by his answer. How would you feel when anyone compares you to God? What would you feel when someone calls you by the Lords name? How would you act if someone tells you to accept, you are God?

I smiled at him. Would you help me out? I asked.

Gaurango!! Help me out!! I need your blessings. He replied.

This was irritating. I had no choice other than to give a smile. I said my blessings are always with you.

After that I had a healthy discussion with him. He cleared many things for me which are now wrongly propagated in our Gaudiyas. After blessed this great vaishnav again, I came out from his hut. It was late evening, I was tired and it was hot, and the cool breeze of the Yamuna quickly refreshed me. The whole atmosphere was enchanting, with temples bells, Yamuna, Cows, Vaishnavs and Harinaam kirtan.

On the way back, I was passing Bhoot Gali. This small alley is near to the Gopeshwar temple. There is no light in the night, fully dark. That is why they named this small alley Bhoot gali (Ghost Street). I was walking through this street. Then a dog barked quite near to me. For a moment I got frightened. Oh! Sri Radha Raman!! Why are you scaring your brijwasi? So bad of you. Hardly I could have seen something there. I started to blame myself, why did I choose this street? I could have chosen another road. I didn’t even bring a torch. In between of the fighting of my thoughts one voice touched my ear.

“Kyu darr lag raho hai kaa bhaiya??” Are you afraid?

I was like Krsnaaaa why are you making me scared again?

A Small boy appeared next to me with a lamp. I barely saw his face.

Yeah! Little bit. I replied.

I knew it. That’s why I’m here, to show you the road. Follow me, he said.

I followed him to the end of the road. He came on my back side as there was some lights on the street. He said, “Shaam hai gayi hai.. ghar jaano hai naay toh maiya maaregi.” (Its late evening; have to go back to home otherwise my mother will beat me)

I turned back to thank him. What? He is not here? I cant see his lamp light. I cant see him anywhere. I searched him out there. He was nowhere.

Instantly a question raised, WHO WAS THAT? Brijwasi Boy? Or Krsn Himself? In Vrindavan no one uses Kerosene Lamps now. Goddddddddd.. was it You? Oh! Krsna did You come to show me the path? Was it You who was walking ahead of me. Why was I not lucky to see Your beautiful face? Why was I not lucky to have Your darshan?? I went back to the spot where he left me. He was Krsna, No one can appear in a second and disappear in a moment… I took Dust and applied it onto my body with the hope to become pure.

Still sometimes, that moment of my life makes me feel that I had lost the opportunity to see His Divine face and touch His Lotus feet.

Radhe Radhe!! Devotees ask me, why in this small age I came in this devotional life? Let me share one hidden fact of my life. I have a very different passion. I basically started to read scriptures for God. I used to read scriptures to find a way to meet God. And I have done different types of Sadhnaa just for this passion. I never seen God but has felt HIS presence so many times… Memories are faded but let me share one incident, when I was in 6th standard. I used to hear all pandas in nidhivan (I get the whole view of Nidhivan from my room and Rang Mahal in nidhivan is just few yards far from my house) “Sri Radha ji and Sri Krishna ji perform their Raas (dance) here and after that they sleep in Rang Mahal (bedroom)” they used to speak all mythologies of Nidhivan.

One day I decided, Chandan! No one is at home and it’s a time to watch Raas of this divine couple. I sent one servant to buy one liter of milk, Cold drinks etc for my decided Jaagran.

It was a summer time; Temple got closed at 8 in the evening. I sat down in my balcony after that… All night long I was in my balcony, Didn’t see anything and after 6:00 am my sleep caught me in the balcony, but yeah next morning my servant appeared with a bill of cold drinks.

You know sometimes when your heart speaks to you and those things happen. It happens with me most of all time. How do you feel when you know it is spiritual and devotional work but your mood doesn’t support you? You feel like ya ya!! Whatsoever it is, I’m not in the mood to do. (This is how we commit sin)

In the evening, Humidity was on the peek, no wind, I was crazily sweating and my dearest cousin brother cum friend asked me for Vrindavan Parikrama. On the same moment, I thought wow! Crazy!! I thought to say NO but it was somehow a sin, I asked him to postponed parikrama till next morning and let’s go for Sri Radharamanji’s 108 Parikrama.

After had a heavy discussion, Yogesh Goswami won I got ready for parikrama. My body and mood were not supporting me to do this devotional service.

From the beginning of Parikrama I started to bang him by questions while he was chanting. It was my time when I had committed second apraadha. I knew it something would happen to me, but I was assured it would help me to find GOD. If I commit apraadh He would surely come to punish ME. We do karma and He gives the fruit.

After a km or half I got first blister. Wow! First time I am getting this. God doesn’t want to come.. hhmmmm.. When I finished 3 kms parikrama I was kind of dead by humidity, got 4 blisters as so far. My every single step was telling me, “Chandan! You are done, take a rickshaw and go back.” I literally asked Yogesh, “Maharaj Can I please hire one rickshaw.” First time in my life, these things were happening during Vrindavan Parikrama. I was really dead.

Yogesh replied, as you wish, you go! I will catch you at home.

My heart said, Chandan! If God used to come to sinner then each n every sinner would be a saint. Soon the day comes when you would feel HIM. Be practical and don’t commit sins.

I was surprised, Yogesh is giving parikrama after couple of years and he is not getting any blisters and Chandan YOU?? 4?

From that moment I decided. NO rickshaw, NO support, I have to prove I can do anything for God. It was really hard; my pain was getting really worse. I wanted to cut my legs. Will-power was there, but we can’t do everything by only will-power. We need to be physically strong enough to face the reality.

It was hard to concentrate but it would be only the way to forget the pain. After a short break, I became capable to chant His name and somehow gave Parikrama. Overall, whole experience of parikrama was weird though. But my heart was enlightened with the Hope to see HIM soon.

Yesterday was one of the auspicious day for Hindus. Bat-Amavasya and Lords Shani’s birthday. Day when we get million times multiple fruit after give the donation, feed Vaishnavs and visit temples.

It is one of the day when Hindu married women worship ‘Bargad’ Tree for their husbands long life.

In the evening, I thought to attend Yamuna Aarti. Yamuna Devi is the sister of Shani Dev. So, I was planning to celebrate Lord Shani’s birthday by Yamuna Aarti. I somehow didnt make it. But I was ready to celebrate my evening spiritually.

So I went to visit Sri Katyayani Maa, took darshan of Sri Gopeshwar, went to take dust from Lord Shri Krsn & Uddhav meeting place, and how can I forget Sri Radharaman ji? .

When our devoted web team was making this blog, many thoughts were coming in my mind. What should I start with? My English is not as good as it has to be. I am not a writer. I might not be up to date like others’ blogs. Then a day came, blog got ready. Time was here to write, what should I write first? About Lord Ganesh? About Braj? About Sri Radharaman ji as i’m known as a Goswami of this temple or something else?

Suddenly, heavy storm started. By that I got my first topic to write. Last 20 to 25 days, weather in Brij is really funny and dangerous. Temperature is crossing 44 degree Celsius. And everyday we are getting heavy storms. Two days ago, storm speed was 250 kms/hr. One and half week ago we got the same speed storm. More than 80 brijwasis were died in that.

Since then news channels are showing Astrologers’ interviews where they are saying, it is a kaliyug effect. These types of storms used to come before Mahabharat. In addition they say, it is an indication of World war-III.

In many documentaries they have shown 21st of December 2012 would be the last day of our world. They show hundreds of yrs old predictions on the wall and stones. As far as they concern, last 400 yrs not a single prediction became wrong from that wall.

I do not know, what will happen but it shows I have a very little time to chant Lord’s name.

Next morning, I read about dead brijwasis in day before yesterday storm, I went to visit two poor families who lost their family members in storm. I wanted to be a part in their sad moments. I was trying to be supportive. But few Rickshaw drivers stopped me as I was the Goswami and Guru. They felt, it was not my work to do. They only wanted my blessings. It was my first time, when Goswami and Guru Title came in between of anything. It was making me frustrated as I was not allowed to help. I found so much respect for me which was making me helpless. I was only allowed to view their sad faces. I could see, poor has good dedication of work in the sad moment, they are good hearted people and really supportive. In this frustrating moment, I found, they were out of money and collecting fund for cremation. My eyes got bright. I became happy; I had found the way to help. I called that poor man who was collecting fund, gave each and every penny from my wallet to both families as they were not capable to buy woods for cremation and all. Then I called some devotees to help them. May be God didn’t want me to help them physically but I am somehow happy as I have supported them in some manner.

First time, I have realized the importance of money. Nowadays, we even are not able to do cremation without money? Oh God! How will poor survive like this? Is it the punishment of those who don’t have money? How would Soul of your devotee reach Golok Dham without cremation? If it is the beginning of Kaliyug then what would happen later? I am sad after seeing your devotees’ conditions. Please give me blessings; I want to help people in cremation. May be by this seva one day I would reach YOU.

Janmastami, the day of Lord Shri Krsn. The Day of the Supreme Lord Head. The Day which is one of my busiest day. I woke up very early with the lots of work in my mind. I had to do many preparations before temple. As usual, I took my handy first which was lying down next to me. My handy was showing, one message received. I became so curious who had sent me the message in the early morning. That was the unknown number, but the message was… ? said,dont look around because you will be impressed… Dont look down cause you will be depressed… Just look up to ME all the time and you will be BLESSED. Happy Janmastami.

For me this indication was very mysterious. After read that message I tried to call up on that unknown number. But the number was not valid.

I started to do my routine work with the question mark about that message.

I went early to the temple. After washed my hands, I entered in the deity room. Where is HE??? OOhhhh sitting with one Goswami? getting ready for Abhisheka. After entered on the altar I again washed my hands as per the costume. I put some KHUS oil on the hand. Touched His feet?d gave Him the Full Sashtanga with the hope to get His all the blessings.

After that I involved myself in all the preparations with my father. Under his guidance I was learning many preparations which I had never ever done before. In between of that, one order came, Chandan!! Go with young Goswamis to collect Yamuna water. I made a team of four or five young Goswamis who were capable to carry 20 liters pot from Yamuna River. At last when we were ready to go… one old Goswami joined us.. I became happy, with the joyous I started to look at my Lord; I smiled to Him with some tiny tears on my eyes. GOD!! Nothing is hidden from you. You always increase my enthusiasm to meet you. My appetite to get you. I was little bit worried cause of Yamuna flood and young goswamis. So we went to collect the Yamuna water in old Goswami guidance.

After came back from Yamuna safely, we entered in the temple.

Now, everything was ready, all things were done, One Goswami was Putting Sri Radha Ramanji on the abhishek throne, one Goswami was checking His Srngaar(Make up) two Goswamis were having lulla bell, My dad was sitting on the priest seat, Two Goswamis were sitting to distribute the Prasad. Few Goswamis were looking the milk. I was standing with my younger brother. Few Goswamis were chanting Mantras; One Goswami was sitting behind The Lord. After checked out everything, my father gave a signal to open the curtain. Wow!! Thousands of Devotees!!! Without telling to them anything they stood up with their spirit, their enthusiasm for God’s darshan… was making them aggressive. Every devotee wanted to come on the first row.

Curtained opened, All bells are ringing, Bunch of devotees group are chanting Mahamantra. Few Sakhis are dancing in courtyard. All devotees wanted to be an eye witnessed of the abhisheka at anyhow.

I am standing next to Lord. Got the indicator to start the abhisheka with Herbs. I started to give the herbs to one Goswami who was putting them on God as per scripture says. According to the scriptures before abhisheka we have to do the abhisheka by some herbs and have to put some herb pastes on Lord. Cause, He is going to take bath for few hours. May be, He could get cold or fever. So it is a precaution.

With all my morning strength I was involving myself. When I poured first Shankha of Milk on Sri Radha Ramanji. A BIG sound of Radha Raman Lal ki Jai!!! Jai Jai Sri Radhe!!!! Came from the devotees. A sound which was waiting for this moment. A sound of love to Him.

The milk abhisheka was going on many Goswamis came to me. They wanted to pour the milk. Firstly I was denying them. Then I thought why my selfishness is stopping other Goswamis for Seva? Why m I only thinking about myself?

Here are so many Goswamis who are having same heritage right like me. I am not superior.

After all the fighting with my selfishness and feelings, I decided to leave the work for young Goswamis. As they have to learn as well.

I went to do the hard Seva. There was a big Iron Tank, full of 200 liters of water. I started to pour the sugar into it. Then I dipped the one big iron rod into the water. It is the very tough Seva during abhisheka. 200 liters of water, 20 to 30 kg sugar, one fat iron rod. My work to mix the sugar with the water, in during of Milk bathing. Means fastly. Not easy at all. But a good punishment for my selfishness. A little far from Him. But in His Seva.

This small incident changed my mind. Before I used to do only that Seva which took me very near to Him. But Seva is that which never want you to be near to Him.

In the meantime, my mind started to think all negative aspects. May be Sri Radha Ramanji wanted someone else instead of me. Might be possible now I am not well enough like before. May be my BHAAVS(true feelings) for Seva are not pure anymore (actually it was somehow right).

Because of Him I got everything in life. A sweet life I am living. And when everything goes alright. Somehow we start to forget our God. We start to lose our real Bhaavs.

You know when real Bhaav comes out? When we suffer, when sorrow comes, when everything goes bad, when we can?ee any good hope.

On that time the real Bhaav comes out from our heart. We show our very real feeling to God. Cause we are in trouble. We need a solution. We need a magic which can take out our sorrows in a second.

But when you get real good time. Then spiritual Bhaav goes out somewhere and Laxmi Bhaav comes out.

In a bad time, whatever happens, we do our daily routine worship even more also. But in a good time. God!! I am having a meeting. I will see you whenever I have time. Somehow, the same thing was happening with me.

But this time, it was not my 100% fault. Last two months I am feeling less Bhaavs for Him. He was very much aware. I begged?terally begged to Him many times for that. If He does not want to give me then what can I do?

Not my fault…Not my fault fully.. thinking!! And mixing the sugar, while one old Goswami started to call me. Finding me… Chandan! Come on your place, do your job! These Goswamis are making the abhisheka late.

Heart enlightened!! Candle got the fire!! Dead body got the soul!!! And Chandan got the tears.

I ran, caught my place, Goswamis were speaking, Do your duty, dont go here and there. In the reply, I only passed my smile, I looked at Him. He is very Naughty. Smiling on me! I started to do my job but was sharing also time to time with another Goswamis.

Hail! Sri Radha Ramanji!!! Nobody can win from You. Play with me softly.. my heart is very soft. you reside in it always.

I was praying to Him and looking up to Him with my tears after finished the abhisheka.

The Goswami came to me who was having worship turn. He asked me to come for Nandotsava tomorrow. I never ever was on the altar during the Nandotsava.

The hidden tears came out on the cheeks with the answer of that morning message. Look up to me and you will be blessed?

Jai Radha Raman!!!!