Radhe Radhe!! Devotees ask me, why in this small age I came in this devotional life? Let me share one hidden fact of my life. I have a very different passion. I basically started to read scriptures for God. I used to read scriptures to find a way to meet God. And I have done different types of Sadhnaa just for this passion. I never seen God but has felt HIS presence so many times… Memories are faded but let me share one incident, when I was in 6th standard. I used to hear all pandas in nidhivan (I get the whole view of Nidhivan from my room and Rang Mahal in nidhivan is just few yards far from my house) “Sri Radha ji and Sri Krishna ji perform their Raas (dance) here and after that they sleep in Rang Mahal (bedroom)” they used to speak all mythologies of Nidhivan.

One day I decided, Chandan! No one is at home and it’s a time to watch Raas of this divine couple. I sent one servant to buy one liter of milk, Cold drinks etc for my decided Jaagran.

It was a summer time; Temple got closed at 8 in the evening. I sat down in my balcony after that… All night long I was in my balcony, Didn’t see anything and after 6:00 am my sleep caught me in the balcony, but yeah next morning my servant appeared with a bill of cold drinks.

You know sometimes when your heart speaks to you and those things happen. It happens with me most of all time. How do you feel when you know it is spiritual and devotional work but your mood doesn’t support you? You feel like ya ya!! Whatsoever it is, I’m not in the mood to do. (This is how we commit sin)

In the evening, Humidity was on the peek, no wind, I was crazily sweating and my dearest cousin brother cum friend asked me for Vrindavan Parikrama. On the same moment, I thought wow! Crazy!! I thought to say NO but it was somehow a sin, I asked him to postponed parikrama till next morning and let’s go for Sri Radharamanji’s 108 Parikrama.

After had a heavy discussion, Yogesh Goswami won I got ready for parikrama. My body and mood were not supporting me to do this devotional service.

From the beginning of Parikrama I started to bang him by questions while he was chanting. It was my time when I had committed second apraadha. I knew it something would happen to me, but I was assured it would help me to find GOD. If I commit apraadh He would surely come to punish ME. We do karma and He gives the fruit.

After a km or half I got first blister. Wow! First time I am getting this. God doesn’t want to come.. hhmmmm.. When I finished 3 kms parikrama I was kind of dead by humidity, got 4 blisters as so far. My every single step was telling me, “Chandan! You are done, take a rickshaw and go back.” I literally asked Yogesh, “Maharaj Can I please hire one rickshaw.” First time in my life, these things were happening during Vrindavan Parikrama. I was really dead.

Yogesh replied, as you wish, you go! I will catch you at home.

My heart said, Chandan! If God used to come to sinner then each n every sinner would be a saint. Soon the day comes when you would feel HIM. Be practical and don’t commit sins.

I was surprised, Yogesh is giving parikrama after couple of years and he is not getting any blisters and Chandan YOU?? 4?

From that moment I decided. NO rickshaw, NO support, I have to prove I can do anything for God. It was really hard; my pain was getting really worse. I wanted to cut my legs. Will-power was there, but we can’t do everything by only will-power. We need to be physically strong enough to face the reality.

It was hard to concentrate but it would be only the way to forget the pain. After a short break, I became capable to chant His name and somehow gave Parikrama. Overall, whole experience of parikrama was weird though. But my heart was enlightened with the Hope to see HIM soon.

Yesterday was one of the auspicious day for Hindus. Bat-Amavasya and Lords Shani’s birthday. Day when we get million times multiple fruit after give the donation, feed Vaishnavs and visit temples.

It is one of the day when Hindu married women worship ‘Bargad’ Tree for their husbands long life.

In the evening, I thought to attend Yamuna Aarti. Yamuna Devi is the sister of Shani Dev. So, I was planning to celebrate Lord Shani’s birthday by Yamuna Aarti. I somehow didnt make it. But I was ready to celebrate my evening spiritually.

So I went to visit Sri Katyayani Maa, took darshan of Sri Gopeshwar, went to take dust from Lord Shri Krsn & Uddhav meeting place, and how can I forget Sri Radharaman ji? .

Life without God is nothing. For me, this is absolutely true. Word to word is right. Some say it is just my craziness which is trying to control me; some say it seems like your passion, some say Chandan ji! Come out from this, it is not your age to do these things. But I do not know what to say. I am speechless. My mind, my heart, my eyes, my senses, my body are searching one missing part of my life, which is really valuable to me. I have veins but the blood is not flowing through them. I have a heart but I can’t feel the heartthrob. Why is my God not appearing? It has been a while without Him. How can He forget His boy? How can He leave me all alone? I am sad, really sad.

Sentiments were driving me crazy. Every day I was accumulating my sadness, my heart was getting all negative waves. Then a day before Nav Durga, the idea came to my mind to meet my God again. I was out of Vrindavan. But in the late evening, I came back and directly went to one scholar’s house. I had a wish to try a new and tough puja on this occasion. So I thought to take some advices from this knowledgeable scholar, but he started to tell me what I actually knew. After a while, He said, “Goswami maharaj, it is late in the evening. How can you start your tough puja from tomorrow morning? You need to arrange so many things, which you won’t be able to do tonight. Drop this idea and chant the Lord’s name. After hearing his words, I looked up at the old wall clock. It was showing me I had spent 2 hrs at his house and got nothing at all. I became frustrated and so rejected by God. When I want to try to meet Him, why is He not letting me try? Why this rudeness? What type of sin have I done in the past? Why is the Lord not allowing me? My inner smile was turning into an inner sadness.

I came back home, got a chance to share my inner feelings with my siksha guru, my mother. She replied, “I can give you something but before that you have to prove yourself.”

‘Prove’, a small word but really tough to attest when someone keeps hopes on, when someone keeps expectations, when someone becomes demanding. On the first moment things always get miserable when someone asks you to prove yourself. You do not know what the height of his/her expectation is?

Prove!! That moment was so irritating. I lost hope and confidence. Without replying her I went into my room with anger and tears in my eyes. In the dark room, I had started to fight with my negative thoughts. My appetite to feel God was not letting me go down. At last, I decided, I can try to prove, maybe it is some kind of exam. I went to my mother. I said I’m ready. She pointed out a couple of scriptures and said what you are looking for is there. Find out and prove yourself.

At 11 in the night, I had started to read those scriptures to find out mantra which could help me to prove myself. After midnight, I got the one which I was looking for so desperately.
I went to sleep with a little happiness on my cheeks. At last I succeeded on something.

In the morning when I got ready to start my puja, Mother spoke to me, “Chandan! If you do this by your devotion you would find how lucky you are.
After I got the blessings of my parents I started my puja. It was not as tough as I wanted it to be; it was not like which I was supposing to do. But to prove my devotion, dedication, commitment, enthusiasm and loyalty I had to accept it.

The Puja was going smoothly, with one sadness, I was not getting time to visit Katyayani temple which I used to do especially on nine days of Durga.
On the last day of my puja and Nav Durga, I finished all rituals and went to my parents to get their blessings. My mother said, “Your time starts now.”
I was amazed to hear this instead of a blessing. I did not ask her anything and left with a doubt in my mind. In the evening, I went to Sri Katyayani temple. 4 to 5 thousands devotees were there. The temple was fully packed. I directly went to the Mahant of Sri Katyayani temple with some gifts for Katyayani Maa.

“Gusai ji maharaj, where were you during Nav Durga?” Mahant ji asked.
I replied, Baba I was busy in puja.
Mahant ji: “You must be busy with kuliyas and ladoos. Hhmmm…”
I only passed my smile, then Mahant Shri Vidhyanand ji maharaj called one boy, and instructed him, He is Gusai ji from Sri Radha Raman Temple, take him to Katyayani Maa. I cut his talk and said, Naa, it is ok. I will go and take darshan by myself.

Gusai ji!!!! I am sending you to see the main deity of Katyayani Maa which is installed in the hidden place of this temple. Mahanji replied
Wow! I was kind of shocked. This is soooooo amazing. No one in my family or any devotee I know had taken the divine darshan of real Maa Katyayani.

There was no electricity. I was following that boy with dieing torchlight. With fast heartbeats I entered into the room. Oh God! Oh Radha Raman!! Oh Maa Katyayani, I am fortunate. I am blessed. The beauty of the world, the goddess of the universes, the Goddess which was worshipped by the Gopis, the Divine source of all living entities, our sweetest mother is in front of me. After seeing her, the first thought that came was, how cute she looks.
I asked this boy, can I worship her? Can I touch her? He told me, you are unmarried Brahmin and Goswami, so you are allowed to do. Then he left. Oh Lord! How all of a sudden, I became so fortunate, I started to do aarti. So much excitement was there. I couldn’t control my heart. I was kind of jumping. My mind was not working. Then one moment came, I heard an ankle-bell. Who is here? I thought maybe other devotees are coming to take darshan. No, this sound was coming near to me, but I could not see anyone. I stood up to trace the sound. Oh! The jingle of the ankle bells were beginning to get faster and fade. This woman is running now. I went to check each and every place. But I did not find anyone. It was scary. I returned back in front of Katyayani Maa. I started to worship her. Touched her feet and asked her blessing. I wanted to stay there. But it was looking odd to stay there much longer when I was done with worship. The Boy returned with the question if I was ready to leave.
I came back. My cheeks were holding happiness; I met Mahantji. Before he could ask me anything I asked him to let me go again for Maa’s darshan.
It was an unexpected question for him, infact for me aswell. I didn’t know why I asked this but I had asked him, that is all I know.
Gusai ji, ask to Maa one good bride for you. Okay? Mahantji replied.
I smiled and said, this is your department I can’t ask everything in a one day and went back to Katyayani Maa.
I sat down in front of her. I started to share my inner feelings to Maa, then, while meditating upon her, one small mouse came with one flower. She put that flower near to my foot and left as if she just wanted to give that to me only.

Everything was unbelievable. I picked that flower up, bowed down in front of Maa and left with the mercy and thinking about my mother’s words, “your time starts now.”

When our devoted web team was making this blog, many thoughts were coming in my mind. What should I start with? My English is not as good as it has to be. I am not a writer. I might not be up to date like others’ blogs. Then a day came, blog got ready. Time was here to write, what should I write first? About Lord Ganesh? About Braj? About Sri Radharaman ji as i’m known as a Goswami of this temple or something else?

Suddenly, heavy storm started. By that I got my first topic to write. Last 20 to 25 days, weather in Brij is really funny and dangerous. Temperature is crossing 44 degree Celsius. And everyday we are getting heavy storms. Two days ago, storm speed was 250 kms/hr. One and half week ago we got the same speed storm. More than 80 brijwasis were died in that.

Since then news channels are showing Astrologers’ interviews where they are saying, it is a kaliyug effect. These types of storms used to come before Mahabharat. In addition they say, it is an indication of World war-III.

In many documentaries they have shown 21st of December 2012 would be the last day of our world. They show hundreds of yrs old predictions on the wall and stones. As far as they concern, last 400 yrs not a single prediction became wrong from that wall.

I do not know, what will happen but it shows I have a very little time to chant Lord’s name.

Next morning, I read about dead brijwasis in day before yesterday storm, I went to visit two poor families who lost their family members in storm. I wanted to be a part in their sad moments. I was trying to be supportive. But few Rickshaw drivers stopped me as I was the Goswami and Guru. They felt, it was not my work to do. They only wanted my blessings. It was my first time, when Goswami and Guru Title came in between of anything. It was making me frustrated as I was not allowed to help. I found so much respect for me which was making me helpless. I was only allowed to view their sad faces. I could see, poor has good dedication of work in the sad moment, they are good hearted people and really supportive. In this frustrating moment, I found, they were out of money and collecting fund for cremation. My eyes got bright. I became happy; I had found the way to help. I called that poor man who was collecting fund, gave each and every penny from my wallet to both families as they were not capable to buy woods for cremation and all. Then I called some devotees to help them. May be God didn’t want me to help them physically but I am somehow happy as I have supported them in some manner.

First time, I have realized the importance of money. Nowadays, we even are not able to do cremation without money? Oh God! How will poor survive like this? Is it the punishment of those who don’t have money? How would Soul of your devotee reach Golok Dham without cremation? If it is the beginning of Kaliyug then what would happen later? I am sad after seeing your devotees’ conditions. Please give me blessings; I want to help people in cremation. May be by this seva one day I would reach YOU.

Janmastami, the day of Lord Shri Krsn. The Day of the Supreme Lord Head. The Day which is one of my busiest day. I woke up very early with the lots of work in my mind. I had to do many preparations before temple. As usual, I took my handy first which was lying down next to me. My handy was showing, one message received. I became so curious who had sent me the message in the early morning. That was the unknown number, but the message was… ? said,dont look around because you will be impressed… Dont look down cause you will be depressed… Just look up to ME all the time and you will be BLESSED. Happy Janmastami.

For me this indication was very mysterious. After read that message I tried to call up on that unknown number. But the number was not valid.

I started to do my routine work with the question mark about that message.

I went early to the temple. After washed my hands, I entered in the deity room. Where is HE??? OOhhhh sitting with one Goswami? getting ready for Abhisheka. After entered on the altar I again washed my hands as per the costume. I put some KHUS oil on the hand. Touched His feet?d gave Him the Full Sashtanga with the hope to get His all the blessings.

After that I involved myself in all the preparations with my father. Under his guidance I was learning many preparations which I had never ever done before. In between of that, one order came, Chandan!! Go with young Goswamis to collect Yamuna water. I made a team of four or five young Goswamis who were capable to carry 20 liters pot from Yamuna River. At last when we were ready to go… one old Goswami joined us.. I became happy, with the joyous I started to look at my Lord; I smiled to Him with some tiny tears on my eyes. GOD!! Nothing is hidden from you. You always increase my enthusiasm to meet you. My appetite to get you. I was little bit worried cause of Yamuna flood and young goswamis. So we went to collect the Yamuna water in old Goswami guidance.

After came back from Yamuna safely, we entered in the temple.

Now, everything was ready, all things were done, One Goswami was Putting Sri Radha Ramanji on the abhishek throne, one Goswami was checking His Srngaar(Make up) two Goswamis were having lulla bell, My dad was sitting on the priest seat, Two Goswamis were sitting to distribute the Prasad. Few Goswamis were looking the milk. I was standing with my younger brother. Few Goswamis were chanting Mantras; One Goswami was sitting behind The Lord. After checked out everything, my father gave a signal to open the curtain. Wow!! Thousands of Devotees!!! Without telling to them anything they stood up with their spirit, their enthusiasm for God’s darshan… was making them aggressive. Every devotee wanted to come on the first row.

Curtained opened, All bells are ringing, Bunch of devotees group are chanting Mahamantra. Few Sakhis are dancing in courtyard. All devotees wanted to be an eye witnessed of the abhisheka at anyhow.

I am standing next to Lord. Got the indicator to start the abhisheka with Herbs. I started to give the herbs to one Goswami who was putting them on God as per scripture says. According to the scriptures before abhisheka we have to do the abhisheka by some herbs and have to put some herb pastes on Lord. Cause, He is going to take bath for few hours. May be, He could get cold or fever. So it is a precaution.

With all my morning strength I was involving myself. When I poured first Shankha of Milk on Sri Radha Ramanji. A BIG sound of Radha Raman Lal ki Jai!!! Jai Jai Sri Radhe!!!! Came from the devotees. A sound which was waiting for this moment. A sound of love to Him.

The milk abhisheka was going on many Goswamis came to me. They wanted to pour the milk. Firstly I was denying them. Then I thought why my selfishness is stopping other Goswamis for Seva? Why m I only thinking about myself?

Here are so many Goswamis who are having same heritage right like me. I am not superior.

After all the fighting with my selfishness and feelings, I decided to leave the work for young Goswamis. As they have to learn as well.

I went to do the hard Seva. There was a big Iron Tank, full of 200 liters of water. I started to pour the sugar into it. Then I dipped the one big iron rod into the water. It is the very tough Seva during abhisheka. 200 liters of water, 20 to 30 kg sugar, one fat iron rod. My work to mix the sugar with the water, in during of Milk bathing. Means fastly. Not easy at all. But a good punishment for my selfishness. A little far from Him. But in His Seva.

This small incident changed my mind. Before I used to do only that Seva which took me very near to Him. But Seva is that which never want you to be near to Him.

In the meantime, my mind started to think all negative aspects. May be Sri Radha Ramanji wanted someone else instead of me. Might be possible now I am not well enough like before. May be my BHAAVS(true feelings) for Seva are not pure anymore (actually it was somehow right).

Because of Him I got everything in life. A sweet life I am living. And when everything goes alright. Somehow we start to forget our God. We start to lose our real Bhaavs.

You know when real Bhaav comes out? When we suffer, when sorrow comes, when everything goes bad, when we can?ee any good hope.

On that time the real Bhaav comes out from our heart. We show our very real feeling to God. Cause we are in trouble. We need a solution. We need a magic which can take out our sorrows in a second.

But when you get real good time. Then spiritual Bhaav goes out somewhere and Laxmi Bhaav comes out.

In a bad time, whatever happens, we do our daily routine worship even more also. But in a good time. God!! I am having a meeting. I will see you whenever I have time. Somehow, the same thing was happening with me.

But this time, it was not my 100% fault. Last two months I am feeling less Bhaavs for Him. He was very much aware. I begged?terally begged to Him many times for that. If He does not want to give me then what can I do?

Not my fault…Not my fault fully.. thinking!! And mixing the sugar, while one old Goswami started to call me. Finding me… Chandan! Come on your place, do your job! These Goswamis are making the abhisheka late.

Heart enlightened!! Candle got the fire!! Dead body got the soul!!! And Chandan got the tears.

I ran, caught my place, Goswamis were speaking, Do your duty, dont go here and there. In the reply, I only passed my smile, I looked at Him. He is very Naughty. Smiling on me! I started to do my job but was sharing also time to time with another Goswamis.

Hail! Sri Radha Ramanji!!! Nobody can win from You. Play with me softly.. my heart is very soft. you reside in it always.

I was praying to Him and looking up to Him with my tears after finished the abhisheka.

The Goswami came to me who was having worship turn. He asked me to come for Nandotsava tomorrow. I never ever was on the altar during the Nandotsava.

The hidden tears came out on the cheeks with the answer of that morning message. Look up to me and you will be blessed?

Jai Radha Raman!!!!

Last 7 days I am on the altar and worshipping my Lord. This is the time when I feel so blessed by my Sweetest and NAUGHTIEST LORD. If I get a chance to define Him. I can define Him only in one word. He is RASCAL.. He always plays with Goswamis… very wildly… And we can’t win against Him… We always have to BEG Him or show our anger to leave us to do His worship. Even on His appearance day, I was tieing His turban before abhisheka. But I failed… I was trying for 30 mins… to tie the turban… But somehow, it was falling. At last, angrily with the irritation, I told Him, If You (Radha Ramanji) want to take a abhisheka then get ready, otherwise, I am leaving you in this condition… I won’t take you outside for the abhisheka… and I am going back home… be here alone… Can you believe this? After that I tied His turban in 2 mins…

After dressing Him… I went to collect Yamuna water with young Goswamis…. I was heading them… you know what??? Because of the turban incident… abhisheka started 30 mins late… Last one week I am doing morning Seva of Him… It is very tough to do. And luckily, I am the youngest one who is doing His worship alone. Otherwise, All Elder Goswamis don’t give the permission to any young Goswami. Even many of my cousin brothers (My older Goswami brothers) still didn’t get the chance to do any worship of Him… even they are on the altar last many years… To do the worship of HIM. Sri Radha Ramanji is very sophisticated. Because He is a Naughty Kid and He is the King of the Universe… Our Seva on the altar? It is Bhaav Seva. We don’t do Rajsi Seva. When I go on the altar, I only feel that I am right now in Heaven… or should I say I can’t compare heaven by that feeling which I get on the altar. Everyday, new experience with Him makes me feel good. Even His naughtiness gives me a feeling of His presence in His room. I am so lucky to HAVE Him in my life. I love my God He is the very Sweetest in the world. By His grace I got the chance to serve Him in this life. My thousand _o/_ on His lotus feet…